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Hi, I'm Mandie! Welcome to my Blog Diary

The thoughts of a girl trapped in the wrong body's closet…

Coming Out as Transgender Is Frightening

An image of a woman in the dark, used as representation of someone hiding before coming out as transgender.

Coming Out as Transgender and the Roadblocks…

 It’s hard enough living with the fact that your physical body, the thing you have to spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, doesn’t match the you inside your head and inside your heart. It’s even more difficult to come to grips with the idea that you have to come out to others in order to live your truth. But, coming out as transgender to everyone closest to you, knowing full well that it could be the end of a lot of relationships. It’s not something anyone wants to voluntarily go through.

 For every single one of us that decides that its time, that coming out as transgender to our friends and family is the first step on our very long road of being ourselves, and being happy in our bodies. Their are others that don’t get that opportunity. They don’t have the support and guidance. Often times they either end up living a miserable life of regret, or they don’t live for very long. It’s a very sad, common occurrence because our society is not very understanding and supportive of not just the trans community, but the lgbtqi community as a whole.

Unfortunately, for me, coming out as transgender has been something I always seem to be on the cusp of. Finally getting to be me. Finally smiling after seeing ME in the mirror looking back at me. Finally getting to be happy. It seems that I or something in my life constantly stops that from happening.  I’m at the point in my life though that I have no more options. I can’t do it anymore. I either need to welcome my happiness in…or snuff it out..

Right now my biggest roadblock that are holding me back are that the pandemic hit me hard. I lost a really good job and it took me almost two years to find another. I’m 100% alone in this that I don’t have to many friends anymore, through whatever circumstances lives moved on and people fell apart. My living situation isn’t ideal. I have my brother living with myself and my wife. The big thing, my wife. We’ve been trying so hard to make our relationship stronger and grow and build on what we have, but I don’t know if she would be able to handle this. I think it would be the end of us. She’s been doing a wonderful job taking care of her own mental health, that this is one burden that has been stopping me for so long from dropping on her.

All my roadblocks seem insurmountable when I really think about them and the domino effect they could have. Regardless, I have made some progress, I have to. I’ve been doing a lot more research into every single step I need to take. I’ve reached out to therapists to begin my own mental health journey. I’ve made a few friends who have already begun their own transition journey and received  so much advice from them. I finally got an incredible job that I love and that will be offering me insurance once I pass probation soon. I just hope it will help with everything I need. Financially I will figure it out. But, those relationships around me. I’m positive I will lose about 80% of them. I’m just hoping that the one I can keep is my wife, I will understand. But It’s a lot to ask someone to change their whole life around to make someone else happy. So I have to be prepared for everything. 

I’d be curious to know everyone else’s stories of what it was like for them coming out as transgender and how that affected everything and everyone around them. And any advice is more than welcome! I will absorb every bit of it.

Until next time..

 

X -Mandie- X

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