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Hi, I'm Mandie! Welcome to my Blog Diary

The thoughts of a girl trapped in the wrong body's closet…

Quick Life Update

by | Mar 17, 2022 | Life Update | 0 comments

An image of a woman in the dark, used as representation of someone hiding before coming out as transgender.

Life has been rough lately

So it’s been a minute hasn’t it? A lot has happened recently, so let’s get into this quick life update shall we?

Shortly after I posted the blog mentioning wanting to talk to my wife about things, that went to hell even before I could. My wife decided that she wanted to basically say that she hates our relationship, she regrets all of it, and she is miserable and unhappy…but unwilling to anything about it. We talked and I thought we were on the same page of her doing whatever it took for her to be happy, because that’s what i am trying to do as well. A few weeks past, things were uneasy but it seemed like the tension was fading.

Then Valentines Day weekend. Typically I love Valentine’s Day, I’m a romantic sap at heart, so I had gotten her a few gifts that I know she had wanted, we got a Valentine’s box with a bunch of goodies from a local bakery, I thought it was going to be good. Then we got our taxes done the weekend before, and her obsession with money caused her to blow up again and say basically the same stuff she had said weeks prior, but this time in a much more hurtful way. All because we would be losing some of the money from the return because I was without a job last year and couldn’t afford health insurance. The way she took that is that she earned more money so she’s losing money because of me. Because of things out of my control, yet she blamed me for losing my job and a lot of other things that happened because of the pandemic that caused her to make the decisions to spend more money. We were lucky enough that between money saved, the unemployment I collected, and things I stopped doing to save money, that we were still able to pay everything that needed to be paid and make everything work. We were much more fortunate than others through the worst of the pandemic.

Needless to say, she kept threatening to live with her mom, that she had already spoken to a divorce lawyer, basically she was calling for the end of us. To date, none of that has ever come to fruition. I just kind of keep waiting for it to happen and trying to prepare myself. Trying to find ways to save money to move out, and begin my transition. We did have a talk this past weekend about things that have been bothering us about each other and she finally admitted that her anger issues are a big problem and she needs to work on them. However, despite this talk it still feels like walking on egg shells around her. I love her but her obsession with only money and all things negative is incredibly draining and I don’t know how much longer I can handle that and the constant stress and fear of us ending and it being all my fault weighs on me heavily. So there’s that..

Add to that, in that same week we had that argument, my boss/trainer/mentor/friend left the company I had just started at because, honestly, she had to. She was overworked and deserved better. Unfortunately for me, that left me without someone to teach my how to do my job, so the stress of figuring that out on my own, while taking on a lot of her workload after she left has been a bit overwhelming. I think I have worked a plan out to get better though. It’s just been a lot happening at this job in the almost 6 months i’ve been here.

On to a more positive note, I have finally started seeing a therapist. She’s aware of everything going on with me and while we have only had a couple of sessions, after each one I feel great for a while after. So i’m really happy and lucky I found one that I can afford. I’m not sure how things are going to play out talking to her but it’s just really nice to actually have someone I can talk to and be open with about everything.

So, that’s been my life lately. Sorry i’ve been MIA, but as you can see, it’s been a lot to deal with. Hopefully I can keep up with at least a blog a week. I don’t wanna commit to that just yet with everything going on.

 

Until next time..

 

X -Mandie- X

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