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Hi, I'm Mandie! Welcome to my Blog Diary

The thoughts of a girl trapped in the wrong body's closet…

The Beginnings of My Struggle With Being Transgender

Representing the loneliness felt quite often for a transgender person, a girl sits alone on the middle of the woods.

The full acceptance of being transgender brings a lot of struggles…but I constantly ask lately..Where do I begin?…

Well, first of all, you can call me Mandie and I am a male to female transgender woman. 

Woo! That’s the first time I’ve actually written that out, and honestly…it feels incredible.

Since I was as young as I can remember I’ve always known something was off, and when I say as young as I can remember I mean, young, like I barely have many memories, but I remember feelings. Those have stuck with me. 

Throughout my childhood, I always had questions and confusion. Especially when my younger sister was born and I realized the difference and felt even more confused..even jealous..which didn’t make sense at the time to little me. Even then I knew I was transgender, I just didn’t know that word even existed.

I remember even asking my mom about it and all she would say is “well, you were supposed to be born a girl” which always confused me even more. Especially when she’d get mad at me and chastise me for doing feminine things. But again, I was confused about it all. Because at the same time she kept telling me I had to be the man of the house and had to behave a certain way, simply because there were no father figures around, or that would stay around anyway. 

So I began building up this front, to be this ultra-masculine, take care of everything, persona because my family and others needed it. Keep in mind, this really began for more around 10-11 years old and only grew stronger every year. While deep down I grew more and more miserable and full of hate for myself every year, knowing this wasn’t me. But for those around me, I had to and have still had to be this way for them. It’s been an incredibly draining internal struggle for so many years.

To say it’s an exhausting life to live is an understatement, especially when masculine things do not come naturally to you and you constantly have to struggle and give others the perception that they do…It wasn’t until I was about 13 when I actually learned what being transgender is, and it changed my world. It explained so much to me and made me think that possibly I had a chance at having a happy life. I just didn’t know how to go about it and didn’t know what to even do. 

You see, my family isn’t very open-minded at all, and because the weight of being the one they all count on always weighed me down to be a certain way for them, I spent all my teenage years with this secret struggling to just get by every single day with the hope that things will change when I get older…Coming out as transgender was not a fathomable option then.

Finally after a very difficult childhood and teenage years, for a multitude of reasons, and after moving back to California and having a little more freedom I started exploring myself and the lgbtqi+ community more. I began really getting involved more online and when I’d go out, and making friends and just trying to build something for myself to be happy. It wasn’t easy because I still lived with my family at the time, but I had more freedom being over 18 and she had a new husband now so a lot of the pressure was off of me, despite still having to keep many things a secret from them.

Finally, when I was 19 I met this woman while I was working. I somehow was convinced to pursue her by coworkers, and being the young dumb idiot I was, I did. While our relationship was a horrible idea. She was 19 years older than me and already had 4 kids, one of whom was almost my age. And she had some pretty severe mental issues. She did open me up to the lgbtqi+ world even more and she was in fact the first person I told in person that I have been dealing with possibly being transgender. She didn’t make me feel bad about it at all. She encouraged me to explore it…however..she only encouraged me to explore it on her terms…and when she did encourage me to explore it, she’d turn it into a sexual thing for her..I absolutely hated that…so I decided to just stop entirely and hide myself away again. 

It’s hard to explain but I hated the feeling of the real side of me being taken advantage of like that. So I just stopped and figured that that’s how it was going to be with everyone and in a way accepted that this is my life. I’d have to hide this side of me forever and live life like an actor and put on this masculine facade for everyone…

Needless to say, it’s been a major factor in a lot of decisions in my life. It’s also affected my mental health tremendously and has been the sole factor of why I’ve attempted or nearly attempted to unlife myself 6 times. I say only 6 times but that’s just in my adult life that I’ve actually been on the cusp of doing it or nearly succeeding. That’s probably the darkest side of my story, but it’s one of the most real sides that everyone of us that is transgender struggles with more frequently than others know. I have gotten better at dealing with it and not going that route again because, well to be honest I focus on my pets and them needing me and despite being miserable and hating every ounce of my current physical being, they love me for me and need me and rely on me and I can’t let them down. They are the light in my tunnel that keeps me going. I’ve learned, and been told, that most people in my life are just fine with or without me in it, and I’ve accepted that because no human should need another human to exist. But for me and the struggle, I deal with…having that extra motivation with my pets truly helps. And possibly has helped encourage me to finally try and be ME. I want to be as happy with myself as they are with me.

So, I know this blog is all over the place, but it’s the beginning of my story I guess. There’s a lot more to it and that’s why I decided to start writing this out. I don’t know where this is going to go, but it’s already helping to share in my story. Thank you for reading and hopefully, you’ll continue to come back and share in my story.

 

X -Mandie- X

Written by Amanda Cook

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